I normally rock the awkward moments, but expectations usually have a lot to do with that, y’know? If I expect a moment to be awkward, I’ll usually be better at “rocking” it. However, last night it was like the reverse happened, I expected my world to be filled with negative awkward energy, and it wasn’t, therefore I was thrown out of my awkward element, and made every situation I was thrust into even more awkward to make up for it. That probably didn’t make sense. It’s probably something you have to live through to completely understand.

Last night I headed to extra-festive downtown Naperville, which filled me with plenty of mixed emotions. I want to hate the season, but when I see a street lined with Christmas lights, my own sentimentality gets the better of me, and I begin to flush with excitement over the season. It’s strange actually, because when I thought about it last night I couldn’t think of what day Christmas was actually on this year. I currently have no concept of how many days it is until the big day. A change from my younger days when I would have a running countdown to the 25th from June 1st on. But I digress. Naperville is really pretty in the winter time- the end.

I was meeting up with some friends a little after 9, and I figured since the drive is a lengthy one, I might as well get a head start and bum around the Barnes and Noble for a bit while I waited for their call. Searching through various rows of books and thumbing through magazines can usually keep me occupied for hours, but last night it wasn’t doing it for me. Until I saw him. Miscellaneous book store guy. Manning the CD/DVD media section of the store, he moved in such a way- that slight swagger, the light step- to suggest that perhaps this could be the love of my life, and I just hadn’t met him yet. Obviously I had to do something about this, so I quickly made a b-line towards his section, slowly trying to formulate the plan in my head.

I wish I had made up this next part, I really did.

I stepped into his section, and within seconds he approached me. I didn’t read too much into this, because after all it was his job to do so, and those B&N employees usually can’t let you take three steps before they ask you if they can help you. Normally I find it incredibly annoying, but today I silently rejoiced, as he had fallen straight into my trap. The dialogue that followed I’m not ashamed to say was completely spontaneous- on his part. I had only partly thought up my half of the conversation, all the while anticipating his responses.

“Hello. Is there something I can help you with?” A pretty perfunctory response, but one that I was well equipped to respond to. I should note here that upon hearing his voice, which was unfortunately much more ambiguous than his movement, I deflated a little, but continued.
“Well I’m looking for a present for my parents.” This was a complete lie. I had found those presents the other night. I angsted about them for hours- I should remember. I’m not sure why I chose this lie, instead of a different one (or maybe even the truth- silly thought), but while it may seem harmless now, it really trips me up later.
“That shouldn’t be too hard”
“It kind of is,” I’m especially proud of this next part, “at this point you’d probably have just as much luck as I’m having.” He smiled mildly at this comment, which I personally thought was incredibly charming. I couldn’t tell if his smirk was more out of politeness, or he genuinely found this at fucking adorable as I thought he should have.
“Oh, I see. Well, what are they like?” A simple question, I began to get the feeling that he had never actually had to help someone in this way before, and I decided that I was finding him less and less attractive by the second. But I pressed on. With a hilarious response:
“Republicans.”
“Ah.” Now the fucker laughed, and it was a hearty one, let me tell you. “So, classical?”

You’d probably expect a commercial break after an exchange like that one, but alas, it only went downhill from there. He began to show me some old pop standards- Dino, Sinatra and the like, but the romance in our relationship was fading fast. And suddenly I found myself up against a brick wall. “Which one of these did you want to get for them?” What was I? His boyfriend or just another customer? I realized then the sad reality of our torrid affair. He only wanted to make a sale. It was then that I got the suspicion that this guy was making commissions off of poor saps like me probably every night. What a creep. But while this was a timely realization, I still had to figure out a way to get of this situation without looking completely flighty. I had already bought my parents presents! I couldn’t afford to buy two more, and I wasn’t going to buy it only to return in seconds later. There had to be another way.

I quickly instructed him to hold it behind the desk for me while I made another quick circuit around the store, in hopes of finding something better. “I doubt you’ll find something better than this” he joked, like he knew me and my family or something. I chuckled pathetically, and started to scurry out of the CD/DVD section, hoping never to return again. But before I could make it all the way out, he stopped me. My heart sank. I didn’t think I had the strength to face him again so soon, but I gathered up my courage and slowly turned around. “What’s your name?” he asked. “Joel” I blurted out breathlessly, and turned to leave. I left him with my name, but he’d never have my heart.

That was the first of the awkward moments for me last night, and as you can see I definitely rocked that one. After the Barnes and Noble debacle, I met up with Amanda at the Starbucks across the street (as opposed to the starbucks inside Barnes and Noble, and the one down the block). We chatted for a bit about our business, and about what we had been doing since the summer. Before long we found ourselves encamped at her house, preparing to watch a movie. The guests that I knew of were Amanda, Kate and me. But I soon found out that there was a fourth. This fourth guest was bringing a fifth guest, and thusly the awkward energy began to creep back into my system.

This is why it was awkward for me. I get awkward when conflicts go unresolved. Especially when the lack of resolution brings about this fog of uncertainty concerning the state of your relationship with someone. Sometimes, even when the conflict has not been resolved, it’s easy to assume that your relationship is still much the same as it was before, good or bad. But sometimes it becomes unclear. Are we still friends? Do you hate me now? What’s going on. Awkward.

Doubly awkward for me is when I meet someone for the first time that is friends with someone that probably dislikes me. In small gatherings such as this one, it’s customary for people to let their unassociated guest in on how they feel about each person at the gathering before they arrive. “So-and-So is a total bitch, and I hate her.” Then, in accordance with the unwritten rule of friendship, you are forced to hate So-and-So for at least the first three times you meet them. After that you can make your own decisions about So-and-So, but in the beginning you are not all about So-and-So. Last night, I was pretty sure that I was So-and-So.

However when it came down to it, guest number four was pretty normal around me. Not in the fake way, but in the genuine, “hey, we’re friends” way. And when his guest came, I didn’t read any “I know something about you” vibes from him either. This could have all been a clever cover-up to the true feelings that were festering beneath, but I doubt either of these two gays were that good at subterfuge.

This is why it was awkward. I was expecting one thing (“Ew, I hate S0-and-So!”) and the situation turned out to be something completely different. It was terrible. I had been fortifying myself for nearly an hour, preparing for an onslaught of dirty looks and passive-aggressive politeness, and I received none of that. And that fortifying is not something easily turned off either. He would ask me to pass him a cheese stick, and I would react defensively as though he just whispered something suspicious to his guest. And because I would react completely unrelated to what people were doing and saying, I made the situation incredibly more awkward than I thought it was going to be in the first place. Disaster, right? Right.

Aw well. Eventually I was able to snap out of it, and the night turned out to be pleasant enough. But I think I’ve had enough awkward to last me through the holidays.