Archive for April, 2009

pretty people.

April 17, 2009 at 1:50 am · Filed under Awkward and tagged: , , , ,

It might sound kind of conceited, but I would say that most of my close friends would consider themselves pretty people. It’s not really anyone’s fault, they don’t try to be so pretty–for them it wasn’t even a choice. They just happen to be one of the lucky few. The lucky few who can walk down the street with the kind of confidence that only comes with perfect bone structure, a killer body, even skin, and a super glamorous outfit. The four combined creates one of the most deadly cocktails known to man. The pretty person.

Most pretty people know that they’re pretty. If I’m a pretty person, I would say I’m not actively aware of my status as one. But nevertheless I was invited into their tribe, and treated as an equal amongst some of the prettiest of the pretty. Sometimes I wonder why I was so lucky. Lucky to be surrounded by that kind of pretty all the time.

Maybe I’m the ugly friend. Every pack of pretty people needs an ugly friend to balance out the group. After all, my pretty friends are the good natured, selfless kind, willing to send out their tendrils of charity and offer me the kind of friendship that ugly people just can’t afford.

I love my friends. I really do. But more and more I feel less lucky, and more a social anomaly.

Sometimes it sucks being the ugly friend to pretty people.

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i’ll gamble away my fright

April 14, 2009 at 2:41 am · Filed under Uncategorized

I think there’s too much these days. “Too much what?” you ask? Just too much. I think the issue is as simple as that. It’s a frightening paradox of life that we’re constantly striving for more, when the real problem is all we have. We’re constantly told “less is more, less is more” but we’re just given more and more every day. Too much advice I say. Too much pressure to be successful, too much pressure to have, too much pressure to be pretty, too much pressure to be smart, too much pressure to be PC, too much pressure to have it all figured out, and you have to wonder eventually when it all just slows down or when you get a breather or if it ever just all stops. Stops. My writing isn’t narrative enough. It’s too explorative. Too much. Too much exploring? I felt the need to write, and this is all I have. All I have, and that’s certainly not too much, but I’m spent. I’m spent on writing, and sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to write well, or be successful at it, and life just seems so much scarier than it did when real life was lightyears away from me. When did it all become too much?

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Many the miles.

April 7, 2009 at 1:24 am · Filed under Awkward, London, Rant and tagged: , , , ,

I find myself oddly nostalgic about London right now. I knew it would hit me later than the rest, but I think I’m only just now starting to feel the pangs of desire to just sit on the underground and watch London pass by from several feet under.

This is strange for me only because I find myself fairly content with the present.

No- that’s a lie.

I never find myself content with the present. In fact, like most people, I trudge through most of my days looking ahead towards the next hour. And after that you’re just forced to keep trudging until the hours finally give way to the next day. Where you can resume trudging. 

I hate trudging. I hate the word, the feeling it gives me, but it’s also the perfect image for what I’m feeling right now. I feel like each step is a little too mucky, a little to difficult to even bother. With every step the reality of the present gets a little bit closer, and suddenly you’re just stuck, in the now, and you’ve forgotten whichever way you were going in the first place. It’s at these moments, I’m forced to ask myself: “What the fuck?”

How do I get out this?

I don’t think London felt like trudging. At least with perspective filtered through fond memories, it’s hard to see it that way. I was having a lot of sex in London, and now I haven’t had sex in more than four months. 

Sex never feels like trudging. God.

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you silently pushed into each wrong turn

April 6, 2009 at 12:53 am · Filed under Uncategorized

Less and less people seem to care about this blog. Which is just fine by me, because it lessens up the pressure to write more often. It also makes me feel like I can write about whatever I want without offending any of the people who might be reading. I suppose this has been true all along, but now it feels just that much more tangible.

I hate Jews! and black people! and homosexuals!

Hope that shows up in a google search sometime soon. I can’t hardly wait.

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